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Nick Nishiguchi's answer to Reviews on Amazon: What are some products on Amazon that have hilarious reviews? - Quora

Amazing! May 14, 2012
By notactuallysteve
I purchased this after I was confronted by some punks demanding that I hand over my money. I’m a relatively fit guy, but I was no match for them. That is when I realized that I need to protect myself. The day after I bought this product I went to the very same Wal-Mart parking lot when I was first mugged. I approached the group of hooligans standing outside the entrance, concealing my secret weapon.

I cooly asked “Remember me?”.
One of them looked up and said, “Have you come back to buy some Samoas or Thin Mints? My Girl Scout Troop needs to raise more money!”
I replied with “you’re not taking my money this time”. “But sir, they’re delicious!”, she said.

I whipped out my Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun hand and shouted “WRONG MOVE B****!” The five girl scouts ran away screaming.

As I pounded my chest in victory, I accidentally activated the stun gun and applied 950,000 Volts to my right nipple. I woke up 4 hours later to the sound of heavy footsteps. Those Girl Scouts had brought their fathers. But I was ready. I lunged at the largest one with a cry of “RAGGLE FRAGGLE!!!” and hit him in the stomach. He hit the ground harder than a fat kid on a jungle gym.

As the others began to circle around me, I changed techniques. Holding both of my hands in tight fists, I rased my arms to my sides and initiated the helicopter spin. They all backed off, fearing my impressive RPM. After a while I started getting dizzy, and one of the fathers decided to try to tackle me. As he ran to me stood there, dizzy and queasy; time was going real slow. Then I remembered. I had eaten lunch at Chipotle and the burrito was fighting its way back up my stomach.

I tuned toward my enemy and launched a stream of projectile vomit at him, knocking him to the ground. Then I started singing “Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the…. FLOOOOORRR!!!!”

I grabbed my Knuckle Blasher Stun Gun and shoved it into my mouth, running headfirst at my foes, electrocuting them with my teeth. Eventually they were all unconscious, and I walked home victorious.

Takeshi Hanzawa

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Just look at all of the ways that you can be reminded that you owe a lot of money.


Just look at all of the ways that you can be reminded that you owe a lot of money.

Decimation means the killing of every tenth person in a population, and in the spring and early summer of 1994 a program of massacres decimated the Republic of Rwanda. Although the killing was low-tech—performed largely by machete—it was carried out at dazzling speed: of an original population of seven million seven hundred thousand, at least eight hundred thousand were killed in just a hundred days. By comparison, Pol Pot’s slaughter of a million Cambodians in four years looks amateurish, and the bloodletting in the former Yugoslavia measures up as little more than a neighborhood riot. The dead of Rwanda accumulated at nearly three times the rate of Jewish dead during the Holocaust. Members of the Hutu majority group began massacring the Tutsi minority in early April, and at the end of the month dead Tutsis were easier to find in Rwanda than live Tutsis.
from Philip Gourevitch’s 1995 essay “After the Genocide,” published in The New Yorker. For the twentieth anniversary of the genocide, all of Gourevitch’s Rwandan essays are unlocked on the New Yorker's website until July 4. (via englishprof)

(via genericlatino)